Octopus Flips Off G*****

Last week our #$%^&* email account, which we’ve had for, let’s see…oh, um, about 12 years, suddenly and mysteriously got a WORM.

Some acquaintance (or rather, her email address) with whom I’ve not had contact with for about 6 years sent a suspicious email, and next thing I know, my inbox is flooded with failure notices for emails I didn’t send, highlighting a link to what appeared to be some advertisement (I didn’t open it, just for the I’m-no-dummy record).

(I am marginally ashamed to admit that I am highly suspicious of my own big sister, who just five days ago admonished me for some trivial transgression and warned me that I, too, might have my email hacked if I didn’t bow down to her entire universe – this sort of stuff never happens until an older know-it-all sibling pokes their nose into a perfectly good harmonious existence and forebodes ill tidings).

So the past few days (after changing passwords, cancelling accounts and all manner of precautions) I have spent contemplating just the right name for a new email address that will serve the entire family, represent the home, its surroundings and basically naming our property. It was an excellent exercise, as it was a cross between identifying values and maintaining grammatical protocol all at the same time.  Made me wonder how they named Tara.

Can’t put the descriptive plural on the name, because the ‘s’ will create a new, unintended connotation if attached to the following word. That sort of challenge. Can’t have the word “shaven” when you really want to communicate “haven.” Razors and paradise somehow don’t mesh.

This procedure was almost as painfully excruciating as choosing just the right name for our babies. The trusty ol’ Thesaurus Rex was consulted at least 50 times, various grammar sites were scrutinized and multiple oral rehearsals took place (“howzit sound, is that stupid? no, that doesn’t quite capture the essence…not quite, too stiff, more elegant, not descriptive enough”). Throughout the day. Throughout the sleepless night.

Eventually the perfect, new email address was created, and we were more than happy to wave goodbye to The Worm and the inability to embed photos in our emails, among other Major Inconveniences.

Carefully entering legitimate email addresses into our new address book instead of importing them (to ensure a worm-free environment), I hand-typed each address, including only those with whom I either HAD to maintain contact, or those with whom I trusted. Omitted were the Untrusted Ones, people I no longer maintained contact with and (Gasp!) those whose presence might invite potential “issues.”

I then spent the next few days idealizing my new email deal…it-can-do-no-wrong and all that stuff. Happy with all it can do, goodbye to all the hassles of the last one.

Longstanding email address deleted from eBay and all those other Major Places where one might maintain a presence over the decades; new address added. Professional entities, hobby entities, gaming entities, subscription entities. Quite the Procedure, dontcha know.

And now, a few days into our cherished new email address, I attempt to send myself a few pictures for my screen saver at work (of course I have a beach theme there). I got a few emails sent, each with a few pics embedded, then the fourth one stalls. Failure. Failure again.

Suddenly, I get locked out altogether, along with this glaring message:
“Unusual Usage – Account Temporarily Locked Down
To keep our systems healthy, G***** has temporarily disabled your account. This primarily occurs when we detect unusually high levels of activity on your account. In most cases, it should take one hour to regain access. In rare cases, it can take up to 24 hours for access to be reinstated.
We’re sorry for the inconvenience.
For more help troubleshooting this issue, click here. For G***** Apps users, please contact your administrator if you have any further issues.”

Who the hell is my administrator, anyway? Is that me? Nobody else told me how to get into this mess, who’s going to tell me how to get out?

Are they REALLY sorry?

(Really???)

How much security is TOO much security?

Had the worm operated out of this entity, would they still have screwed up my old account, or would they have been met with this message, too?

And just how did they know that my activity was “unusual?” I am always updating my photo content at home and at work. Not unusual for moi.

One hour locked out? Possibly 24? Kidding, right?

Gaaaagh!

Thanks, dear readers and commiserating friends, for enduring my rant.

Now, an easily-embedded picture (thank you, WordPress!):

…a friendly octopus with whom I bonded two weeks ago who flipped me off because I had to temporarily remove its rubber ducky for cleaning:

Take THAT, G*****! And all you sub-par service providers, for that matter.

Oh, afterthought: NOW I know why they blocked my account – I was trying to send Mardi Gras pics from my phone to the account at the same time as I was trying to embed the photos from my laptop to my office email. Geez, is that all too much to ask in this day and age?! Reminds me of the first time I drummed my fingers and cursed out my microwave for “taking too long.”

My friends, what is your favorite email entity, and why?

As always, thank you for pulling up a beach chair here with me. Thank God for the rhythmic pulse of the gentle waves…

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